Its that time of year...

... where I choose to procrastinate on studying by reflecting on the previous semester. ;)

I'm sitting on my living room floor with the patio door partially open listening to the rain fall on the AC units outside (which almost sounds like a tin roof)... and of course, I have NO motivation to study. I take that back- I do have motivation. Apparently just not enough.

I am not excited about this job hunt that is coming up. I'm EXCITED about a job. I'm EXCITED about moving. Just not excited about finding a job that I can believe in and competing against people who are well... a tad less than honest. The job search thus far has only reminded me how BLESSED I am to have done my undergrad in a place that not only TAUGHT ethics, but really believed in being ethical in business practices. And this whole process is further complicated by the fact that in my heart, I know where I want to be. I just have to trust that God will either change my desires, or He will have a plan to get me to that place.

Looking back on this semester, its also kind of ironic where I am friend-wise. Not where I thought I would be. Not where I thought I wanted to be. But blessed beyond my wildest imagination. And yes, that includes my amazing boyfriend... ;)

This finals season finds me calming down a tad. Learning what REALLY matters at the end of the day. Remembering not only where I came from, but where it is I am going. Remembering that sometimes those leaps of faith are crazy and wild and scary, but that if you are leaping by FAITH, then you are leaping into the arms of a God who is going to catch you.

And now friends... its off to study. But I leave you with this song that I have been playing over and over and over this week...

Captivate Us

Since everyone is getting into Christmas...

Do you ever want to tell a story, but know you could never do it justice?

I have one of those stories on the tip on my tongue, but I know whatever I try to say, it could never do this story the justice it deserves. And yet, it reminds me so much of what Christmas really means, I have to try.

I have a dear friend from college who comes from an absolutely precious family. I have only met her family in passing, but I feel like I know them all personally after all the prayer requests and stories this friend has shared over the years.

Awhile back, the family began praying about adopting two precious children, Molly and Mason. Its been a very long process, and these are some of the most prayed over children in the existence of the world.

Just days before the parents were to fly to China to pick up the two newest members of the family, the father was in a car accident and went home to be with Jesus. He was not only a loving husband, father, father in law, son, brother and friend, he was a deeply respected pastor who touched lives across the globe. It was truly a loss felt by many.

Now, just weeks later, the family is getting ready for a very special Christmas. On Christmas, my dear friend's mother and little brother will be flying to China to pick up Molly and Mason. This family, who has been through so much, is going to open up their home and their hearts to these two precious children and give them a life that they could have never dreamed of. I doubt anyone would have said anything negative had the family decided this was not the time to go through with the adoption. But they knew God had opened the doors with a reason, and they are going forth with the belief that God will give them the strength and resources to do what He has led them to do.

To me, that is the most beautiful example of what Christmas is all about. To smile through the tears and the pain, and reach out to show the love of Christ to these children for the rest of their lives.

I pray that this Christmas season, as you sit down to celebrate with your friends and family, and you reach for the gifts under the tree, that you remember this dear family. Remember Molly and Mason. And remember that the greatest gift we can give each other is to show each other the love of Christ.

Miss you Kate...

"There You'll Be"

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

[Repeat chorus]

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be

I miss you Kate. Not a day goes by I don't still think about you...

its been a long week.

"May the best you've ever seen be the worst you'll ever see.
May the mouse never leave your girnal with a tear drop in its eye.
May you always stay whole and hearty until you are old enough to die.
May you always be as happy as I wish you all to be."

As I watch the story unfold from the shooting at Ft. Hood this week, my heart is incredibly heavy. When casualties come back from a war, its much easier to handle than to know those very soldier were not safe on our turf. And yet... maybe, just maybe... maybe this war will become more real to people. Its not just a war fought on soil far away. It is a war that is being fought at home as well. By the families left behind with every deployment... by the soldiers who come home changed. By people who are torn between defending their country and going off to war. I am in no way defending the shooter- he deserves to sit in a damp, dark cell and think about that day for the rest of his life.

Waking Up

Do you ever have one of those moments where all of the sudden you wake up and realize something that has probably been staring you in the face for a very long time? I had one of those moments last night. It was kinda a huge reality check that I am sitting here doing everything I have ever wanted to do and just letting it pass me by without totally loving every second of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am pretty sure there is no way I could enjoy every second of learning statistics all day every day, but... I could be enjoying it a lot more. There is a lot that I have been holding on to that is not the best thing for me-- why is it that when we have something thats FABULOUS for us its hard to hang on, but when something is totally unhealthy and hurting us, its near impossible to let go??

A Good Kind of Reckless- by Tracie Miles

"'Come,' he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!'" Matthew 14:29-30 (NIV)

Devotion:
A while back, I opened my daily devotion and the theme verse was the passage above. When I first began reading I thought, "Oh, I know this passage backwards and forwards: Peter stepping out onto the stormy waves. A great story of faith and keeping focused on Christ." But in this particular devotion, there was a different focus. The key word used was "reckless." It explained we are to be reckless in our faith - not habitual, not routine, not guarded. Reckless.

Out of curiosity, I looked up the definition of reckless: Utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution. If you ask me, reckless doesn't sound like a good thing! When it comes to acting without caution, usually the consequences are negative, resulting in pain and problems that could have been avoided had common sense been used.

But when it comes to our faith, acting without caution is an awesome quality. Reckless faith is...

Living out loud for God, regardless of the consequences.

Opening ourselves up to be Christ's hands and feet in situations where most people close themselves off.

Reaching people others have deemed unreachable.

Loving those who are not very lovable and do not return our love.

Forgiving when forgiveness is not justifiable by the world's standards and making others wonder if we have our head on straight.

Changing direction in life because God called us to even if it doesn't make sense.

Reckless faith is being abandoned for Christ, completely surrendered to Him without restraint, and at peace with the consequences of what might happen.

Peter was reckless in earthly terms. He jumped onto the sea during a raging storm without a flotation device, into waves big enough to capsize his boat. However, if you think about it, it really wasn't Peter's earthly actions that were reckless; it was Peter's spiritual faith.

He had reckless faith: Without thinking, without distress over consequences, without anxiety over what might happen, and without concern for what his friends might think, Peter had faith.

Peter had reckless faith. And we can too! Reckless faith means doing what God has called us to do, commanded us to do, and prompted us to do - because it brings Him glory. Those who witnessed Peter's reckless faith didn't ooh and aah over Peter. Instead, like Peter, they fixed their eyes on Jesus. "Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God'" (Matthew 14:33, NIV).

There are a few times in my life when I've exhibited reckless faith, and found God blessed me immensely as a result. Unfortunately, there are many more times I've chosen to remain safely in my boat. It is so much easier to stay afloat in the safety of our comfort zone than to step out into stormy waters, putting all of our trust in Christ.

Reckless faith requires a vibrant and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. When we climb from the safety boat and exhibit that, we spur those still in their boats to fix their own eyes on Him, and worship the Son of God.

How is God calling you to be reckless for Him today?

<3 <3 <3

I want ridiculously inconvenient love. The kind that happens at the worst possible time and yet is the most perfect thing you never knew you needed. I want a guy who will chase me and fight when I try and push him away because I'm scared. Someone who knows that I will probably freak out over something stupid and laugh at me and remind me I'm nuts to be upset. I want a guy who will buy me a tinsel tree and a real tree- not because I need either, but because I've never had either and want to so bad. Who will realize that dancing in the rain to a country song will always be the perfect end to a date, and that I could care less if my hair gets messed up from it. That knows that deep down I would rather snuggle on the couch with an old movie than go downtown on a Friday night. Who will not question my sanity when I want to spend 10 hours in the car in one day just to see a football game. Someone who knows that love is a fight some days, but thinks its still worth it. Who sees my mistakes and loves me despite them. Who knows what I can become and encourages me and pushes me. Who knows I live life big and that means insane ideas at times.

I want it all.

Its been awhile...

And maybe thats because I have not known what to say. I got moved in, unpacked (mostly) and I am pretty settled into my life here. Is it home yet? I'm not sure...

I like class. a lot. I'm a nerd, no denying that. I LOVE my church... that for sure feels like home to me. I feel very welcome there and I get really excited when Sunday FINALLY rolls around and I get to go back (yes, I really do have THAT FEW friends in this state).

As far as Athens in general... I don't think I am content at all. This has a lot to do with the lack of friends. Yes, I have the people in my class, and yes I would consider several of them to be good friends already. But I see them all day for 4 days out of the week... it would be nice to have some other options for people to do things with the rest of the time, mix it up a little. Athens is also SOOO incredibly different than Waco, despite the extremely similar demographics. The psycographic (or is it sociographic??) makeup is totally different. I am still getting used to not planning school meetings around church haha... call me the naive small town kid, I miss having a school where nobody would be upset if you said that time was bad for meeting because it was when you were going to church. I also miss having a JOB!!! Never thought I would say THAT! But it really is weird having no income and knowing all of your bills and everything have to come out of loans...

I know there is a lesson in all of this... or 10. I'm sure one would be "being content with your circumstances" and another would be TRUST. We shall see how this summer continues to unfold...

PET PEEVES

I for sure have a few. But here are some note-able ones... and yes, this is a well deserved rant.

1. Being ignored. If I ask a question, I probably want an answer.

2. People not living for TODAY. No matter how many plan you make, you never know if you HAVE tomorrow. Yes, it is good to plan ahead and take steps to have a good future and get where you want to be. But you should NOT be so obsessed with something that is going to happen down the road that you let it stop you from enjoying the opportunities you have today.

3. Websites being down. I want to pay my credit card, please just not be down for maintenance. 4am is a better time to be down than midnight, duh.

4. People who don't do what they say they are going to do. If I count on someone, I want them to follow through, not leave me hanging.

5. Bedtimes/alarm clocks. I hate having to go to sleep... but I might hate waking up even worse. 

Life ain't always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride

For those of you unfamiliar with the lyrics to this song, you should totally google it. It feels so perfect right now. Kate, Ashley, and Alicia, I miss your smiles. I miss your beautiful laughter and the way you glowed with joy every day, no matter what.

Life isn't always beautiful. Right now, its downright messy. I spent the day with Kate's parents yesterday... and while it was a beautiful celebration of her life, it was so hard to sit there and watch her parents and family and friends struggle to understand while she only got 19 beautiful years to live. Its not fair.

Its not fair that 3 years ago today, the lives of so many changed in an instant. It was a freak accident, but it cost 2 beautiful, smiling girls their lives. And it drastically changed the lives of the others on that bus. No, they have not recovered fully... can you ever? I can still close my eyes and go back to every awful detail of that day.... and I wasn't even there.

I woke up this morning sad, sad because I miss these friends, and sad because I feel like I screwed up. Sometimes I just GO for things. And once I decide my oh-so-brilliant plans will work, there is not much convincing me otherwise. I think I forget that when my plans include other people, they have to be up for going on a crazy adventure too... I just like to live life big. I mean, if you can dream it, why not do it? Life is too short to have regrets or sit around waiting to see how things will work out...

And then even as I write this, I have had 2 people ask me to pray for situations that just break my heart... one is facing major life altering situations with a career, and another just found out a close friend is in ICU. WHY IS LIFE THIS HARD SOMETIMES? Its all not fair. And as I say that, I know God has a plan... but I also know that by admitting its not fair, I am not shocking God... he knows my heart. And life isn't fair. He never said it would be. He only said he would be there. The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. And that really is beautiful. 

So right now... all I can do is sit still, and remember that without the pain and the clouds, its impossible to appreciate the beauty of life. 

And if I seem distant and aloof... I swear I'm not being a jerk. Its been a tough semester, and as much as I am excited about Georgia, there are some things its going to be hard to leave behind.  No matter how hard I try, there is simply not enough time to do everything I want and see everyone who has meant so much to me in the last 4 years here. I am trying to just get to a place where I can walk away with a smile and no regrets. And that has suddenly become incredibly difficult.... 

LAMENTATIONS 3:22-26

Because of the Lord's GREAT love 

we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

GREAT is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will WAIT for him."

The Lord is GOOD to those whose hope in in him,

to the one who seeks him;

it is GOOD to WAIT quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

Walk by faith...

"Faith isn't believing without proof-

it's trusting without reservation."

-- George MacDonald

"What lies behind us and what lies

before us are small matters compared

to what lies within us."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

This week at church we were talking about faith. And what it takes to have "great faith".  And I realized... maybe that has been the greatest lesson I have learned in college. Looking back, there are so many plans I had that managed to crash and burn... and for the most part, its a very good thing they did. Don't get me wrong- I have few regrets. I look back on my friendships, relationships, crazy ideas and random adventures and I know that there are memories that will last a lifetime. Nights on the suspension bridge, Dairy Queen sundays and cheap movies, grocery store trips, silly cartoons, our "usual" table, and sneaking Jamba Juic into the movies... I know those will always be the nights I look back on. But at the same time, I know there were other nights I will never forget. The nights I cried, or sat in silence, simply because I had no idea where my life was headed, and could not imagine how everything was going to come together.

Now, as I wrap up my last few weeks of college... I still do not know what the future holds. But I have seen where having faith that my God will work things out has brought me to a more beautiful place than I ever could have imagined myself.  And that gives me the hope to continue trusting... to continue to have faith that in the end, everything is going to be ok.

...Well I will walk by faith

even when I cannot see

Because this broken road

prepares Your will for me...