Life isn't always beautiful. Right now, its downright messy. I spent the day with Kate's parents yesterday... and while it was a beautiful celebration of her life, it was so hard to sit there and watch her parents and family and friends struggle to understand while she only got 19 beautiful years to live. Its not fair.
Its not fair that 3 years ago today, the lives of so many changed in an instant. It was a freak accident, but it cost 2 beautiful, smiling girls their lives. And it drastically changed the lives of the others on that bus. No, they have not recovered fully... can you ever? I can still close my eyes and go back to every awful detail of that day.... and I wasn't even there.
I woke up this morning sad, sad because I miss these friends, and sad because I feel like I screwed up. Sometimes I just GO for things. And once I decide my oh-so-brilliant plans will work, there is not much convincing me otherwise. I think I forget that when my plans include other people, they have to be up for going on a crazy adventure too... I just like to live life big. I mean, if you can dream it, why not do it? Life is too short to have regrets or sit around waiting to see how things will work out...
And then even as I write this, I have had 2 people ask me to pray for situations that just break my heart... one is facing major life altering situations with a career, and another just found out a close friend is in ICU. WHY IS LIFE THIS HARD SOMETIMES? Its all not fair. And as I say that, I know God has a plan... but I also know that by admitting its not fair, I am not shocking God... he knows my heart. And life isn't fair. He never said it would be. He only said he would be there. The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. And that really is beautiful.
So right now... all I can do is sit still, and remember that without the pain and the clouds, its impossible to appreciate the beauty of life.
And if I seem distant and aloof... I swear I'm not being a jerk. Its been a tough semester, and as much as I am excited about Georgia, there are some things its going to be hard to leave behind. No matter how hard I try, there is simply not enough time to do everything I want and see everyone who has meant so much to me in the last 4 years here. I am trying to just get to a place where I can walk away with a smile and no regrets. And that has suddenly become incredibly difficult....
LAMENTATIONS 3:22-26
Because of the Lord's GREAT love
we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
GREAT is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will WAIT for him."
The Lord is GOOD to those whose hope in in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is GOOD to WAIT quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
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