Feels like home to me...

This song is totally stuck in my head... 

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how long I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

I was sitting in the Baylor science building today... and it struck me that I was sitting in the largest academic building in North America. That is just really, really cool. So I was sitting there, working on finance, on a Saturday night, and I realized how content I was. I WANTED to be learning, I wanted to be working hard to be able to go to Georgia next year. And maybe that is why I am where I am in life. Maybe that is weird, maybe people don't like that. I don't care. I'm doing what I love... and I would rather be there than anywhere else. 

Can't I just be me?

Where has this semester gone?!?

Its hard to believe my senior year is nearly 1/4 done already... wasn't it just last week that I was going back to class? And wasn't it just a few months ago that I was moving into a dorm room and figuring out how to survive on my own?

Ironically, my senior year has so many similarities to my freshman year... my roomie and I laugh about it actually. But despite the similarity of events, I see such a difference in how they affect me.

This semester has already brought a lot of changes, and I wonder on a regular basis how it is that I have changed this much since last year. I have so many big choices ahead of me, and so many plans for the future. I know so many of the decisions I have made in the last few months confuse my friends, but I know in my heart that I am at peace with each and every one of them right now. I am so happy... and that happiness isn't based on some other person or on anything superficial, but its simply because I am living the life I want. I am pushing myself and working hard and getting to where it is that I have always wanted to be. And I have some amazing people in my life who are cheering me on every step of the way. I would not trade that for the world...

Getting too comfortable...

Please tell me where in the Bible it says that God calls Christians to find their comfort zone and stay there. No really, I'll wait.

You didn't find it did you? That is because it does not say that!!! Look at Moses- he didn't want to speak, but God told him to do it anyway- He told Moses that He was going to use him despite his weaknesses. Peter didn't want to get out of the boat, but God told him to walk and he did. And there is this chick named Mary and her man Joseph (thanks Jenny!).... I seriously doubt getting married when she was expecting a kid that wasn't his was in their comfort zone. Especially when a guy saying he is an angel shows up and says that this baby is going to be the Messiah!

So why do we look for our comfort zones? Why do we hide, when we know we will be found? (Think Jonah here- getting eaten by a whale is a big wake up call that maybe listening and taking that step out of your comfort zone was a good idea after all!) 

Thats my challenge. To me, to you, to my church right now: hop out of that comfort zone, and find out what amazing things God has in store for you!!

New School Year, New Look!

I decided that since it was time for a new school year, perhaps it was time for a new look around here. There are still a few glitches I need to try and work out, but for the most part the layout is done. :)

The lake this weekend was awesome, learned to drive (and flip!) a jet ski, got lots of interesting looks tubing behind a camo flat bottom fishing boat... It was just a good time hanging out with family and good friends. 

If the next couple of weeks don't start going faster, I swear I'll go nuts. I need school and my never ending pile of homework to keep me distracted!

Some late night thoughts...

Sometimes in life, you have to realize that not everything is perfectly black and white and fits inside a nice, neat box where you can set it on the shelf perfectly categorized. Sometimes, things happen where you have to sit back and go huh, I don't know what the heck to do with this! 

And thats ok. Maybe you choose to react by doing something that you never dreamed you would do. Maybe its even something you have looked at from a distance and said, well I would never make THAT choice... and then you do. 

All you can do is pray. Pray and do what you feel most at peace about. And then trust. Run after that with everything you have, and trust that God is going to either give you peace that you are where you should be, or let you know its time to make another choice. 

Thats where I am. Running with the wind. And ya know what? Its nice out here.

I liked this...

For over 7 years, Regina Brett was a columnist at The Beacon Journal in Akron , Ohio . During that time, she was diagnosed and successfully treated for breast cancer. Regina is now a columnist for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland, Ohio Her column runs on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.

'To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update: ' 

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 

5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. 

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. 

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying. 

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today. 

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write. 

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 

24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?' 

27. Always choose life. 

28. Forgive everyone, everything. 

29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. 

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. 

33. Believe in miracles. 

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. 

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion. 

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 

45. The best is yet to come. 

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 

48. If you don't ask, you don't get. 

49. Yield. 

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down 
and wiped our tears away, 
stepped in and saved the day. 
But once again, I say amen 
and it's still raining 
as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away. 

Chorus: 
And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm 

I remember when I stumbled in the wind 
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again 
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on 
if I can't find You 
and as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away 

Chorus 

I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 
I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 

Chorus 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The words to this song have been playing over and over in my head all day. 

Saying today was a bad day would not really touch the surface.

It is almost laughable actually... because just when I think surely this is it! Something else happens.

But at the end of the day... no matter what else happens in the 8 or so hours before I go to bed tonight... I know a few things will still be true.

I know my God will be holding me when I can't go on.

I know that He will not give me more than I can handle.

I know I have amazing friends... I know that if my best friend could magically leave AZ and be in TX right now, she would be by my side, laughing and trying to steal my favorite blanket while we watch movies.

I know that no matter how bad today is, it is still a gift. It is still a chance to learn, a chance to enhance the lives around me, a chance to be a witness to the power of God.

It is one more day I have to live to the max... every second... even when that means just breaking down and crying over a spilt TV dinner. But its a day to feel and experience and touch and smell. 

A day to remember no matter how hard today is... there are so many people who are so much worse off than I am, and that I am incredibly blessed that my problems are not far worse.

... war was just a game we played when we were kids...

For those of you who have heard this song, you know that taking that line out of context does not do the song justice. But how many Americans feel that war is just a game they played in their backyard with a water gun and their best friend?
This weekend, as I was driving back home, I passed through a small town that could not have had a population of more than a few hundred at most. As I glanced out my window, I noticed a large crowd in a yard. There were dozens of people in lawn chairs and milling around, watching the small country highway anxiously. A large banner in red, white, and blue proudly proclaimed "WELCOME HOME MITCH!", and was surrounded by balloons. There were yellow ribbons on the trees, and food laid out on tables. Someone was coming home from war. I felt my heart swell with pride for this soldier I had never met, and my eyes feel with tears. I prayed for Mitch, and for his friends and family, although I had no idea who they were.
You see, to me war is much more than a game that children play in their backyards. War is the reason that during my freshman year of college I was awakened at 4am with a crying phone call that my friend's brother in law had died. War is the reason that my former room mate has spent most of the last year sleeping in her bed alone, as her husband is deployed. War is the reason that I have learned to write letters and cards, and stuff flat rate boxes with random items.
What will it take for our generation to realize that there are men and women dying every day for their country? And not "old" people... people my age. People younger than me. People who are too young to drink or rent a car, they are over there fighting. Where I come from, most people understand war is real. I come from a patriotic state, where it is very common for a large percentage of a high school graduating class to enlist. My university is also quite aware of the costs of war- there are lamp posts across campus in memory of those students who have lost their lives fighting for our country. I'm not sure if it is possible to graduate from here and not have friends who are Air Force officers, most of whom will eventually end up fighting overseas in some capacity. But so many people have had different backgrounds... they don't really know someone going off to war. Or if they do, its a simple "Be safe buddy, lets grab a drink and catch up when you get back." But sometimes they don't return. And some of us deal with that reality on a regular basis.
The next time you are tempted to blow off something about the war and think it doesn't really affect you... please remember that even though that soldier isn't YOUR brother/son/boyfriend/husband/father... he is somebody's everything.
And please do not ever be like the guy I sat behind at a football game my sophomore year. He was loudly carrying on about the other team during the National Anthem, and I quietly asked him to please stop talking for a moment and show respect for our country and the men and women who protect it. He turned around and loudly told me that he could care less about those people. (My friend, an Army brat, and I had to be held back because we were about 2 seconds from attempting to hurt him... the guy ended up walking out of the game because of the response he got from our group over THAT comment... once the anthem was over of course.) If you are that apathetic, please learn some manners and keep your mouth closed. Or move to another country, I could care less which you choose.

Just a thought...

I was finishing up the Beartrail this morning... hating the fact that at 6:45 in the morning it was already getting nice and toasty, and I happened to look up at the science building. Now, for those of you who don't go to Baylor, this is a quite impressive building... it is actually the largest academic building in North America (SIC 'EM!). But across the left side, next to where I was walking, it proudly proclaims in stone "BY HIM ALL THINGS ARE MADE."

And as David Crowder blared in my ears, it made me stop and think. We do not make things in our own power. We do not do things in our own power. He gives us the strength, the tools, and the knowledge we need to do those things. And He gives us just enough for the task ahead. 

It was a comforting thought... I'm facing some big scary choices, and I know I don't have all the answers. But I know the one who does. And I know He will give me enough to make it through each day in His strength, so that I can look back and say that it was not me who made this work, it was Him.

-->>FiNALS!<<--

4 more and I will be a SENiOR!!! So since I am sleep deprived, sick, not wanting to look at advertising terms, and dreading my 9am final tomorrow, here are some things I have encountered/learned/wondered while studying this week.

10. Prostitution expenditures in the US are at about $20 billion, roughly equal to that of the domestic shoe industry. WHO RESEARCHES THAT AND HOW DO THEY KNOW???
9. Tiger Woods is the highest paid celebrity endorser of products. This was actually a question on my final from hell. I mean, why is this a test of my knowledge of the course???
8. Why is it that, when studying in the business lobby, someone ALWAYS has food, and it always makes you famished, even if you just ate? And the pizza that appeared every Wednesday at 5 last semester that nobody ate, what was that for???
7. Why do professors think we don't know all these technology chapters in our textbooks, and insist on putting them on finals? Honestly, who do you think created, tested, and perfected this stuff? Plus, its all just a bunch of hokey terms made up by old dudes trying to be cool.
6. Whoever was supposed to close the Panhellenic computer lab tonight and chose to just walk off and leave it all open is my HERO... because I should have been kicked out two hours ago.
5. Studying the same subject by the pool 3 days in a row will result in a slightly warped textbook. Sadly, this was my advertising book, which happens to be silver and very nice looking. I have yet to decide if I am keeping it or selling it back... maybe this is my sign to keep it.
4. The screen shots in my advertising book bother me. Some are on a Mac, some are on a PC, some are from a VERY old PC... consistency people. Use the Mac!! I mean, look what you can do on a Mac...
3. Do not lay out in the same chair every day. Mix it up. Otherwise, one side of you will be darker than the other...
2. When Baylor opened in 1845, tuition was $15, and room/board/laundry was $8 per semester. That comes out to about $396.22 in 2007 dollars for tuition, and $176.10 in fees. So please tell me why tuition for 2008-2009 is $23,664, and with required fees, the cheapest dorm and meal plan, it totals $35,472???? (Which, I also might add, is about $4000 more than 07-08...)
1. Whoever invented online flashcards was brilliant. I'm nuts for not using them for the last 2 tests.

MOViNG ON

So... when someone dies, its natural that after awhile you have to move on. And this takes different amounts of time for different people. But sometimes its just hard. Its hard finishing another semester without Kate. It was hard tonight to have another "last meeting of the semester"... because then all I could think about was finishing out last semester, and Kate's empty chair beside me. I was listening to Just a Little Girl by Stephen Speaks tonight, and for some reason I just kept thinking about Kate. She will always be a little girl kinda... caught in that moment between childhood and being an adult. I hate that, I want her here next to me, scheming about recruitment and boys and summer jobs. This summer you were supposed to be in Italy sweet girl... sending us pictures of hot Italian guys and soaking up all the artwork possible. You had your grand plan to stay there between semesters and finish the fall there too... haha come back just in time for my last semester, your 21st, Vegas.... 

Its just not fair sometimes. I know shes in a better place, but I am still human, still selfish, and I still want her to walk into the room laughing about something silly... I just want to watch that smile light up one more time. One more hug. One more picture, just like our favorite one of us. One more laugh. That last phone call I almost made, just an hour before the wreck. I should have called. I should have gotten to tell you one more time how much I love you.

Lessons Learned This Semester...

1. Priorities are important.

This semester started out on a stressful note, with recruitment, no sleep, the lovely ticket on the way to Houston, and so many unanswered questions. I could have let this take over, and I did for awhile, but I was constantly upset. So I let it go. Honestly, questions don't answer themselves any faster if you stress about it.  

I also had to sit down and think about what mattered. Life is not a guarantee, its a gift. If tomorrow isn't promised, what do I need to get done today? If today is the last time I see one of my friends, what is it that I will always wish I had done with them?

2. Laughing is important.

Honestly, I don't think I have laughed this much ever. Except maybe freshman year with the ROTC guys, and I should post those videos on youtube so EVERYONE can see the insane stuff that went on in 3309. But seriously, being able to laugh at yourself is important. Sleeping through class is not the end of the world, laugh it off. Neither is slipping down the stairs of a building in front of all your friends... oh wait, that was last year, and I can just now laugh about that! :) But I mean, so what that everyone is judging you for watching TV through the window during a fire... if it makes ya laugh (and is reasonably safe!) why not? Girls nights out will always be the best memories... so will hanging out with random friends you would have normally never done something with outside of school.

3. Let things go.

For those of you who have never had more than a very casual conversation with me, I have had 13 majors in 3 years. Now, mostly I laugh about this, I realize thats insane. But I have always wanted to do a million things with my life, and would plan and plan and plan on how to do everything. But this semester I just kind of... dropped it. All of it. I let go, and let God. And yes, my life is taking a completely different direction now. But I am so excited about it, and I am so much at peace. I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people why I would want to do this, but I know that this is my dream, and I have found my passion, and I am going for it.

4. Live BIG. 

I feel I can't start this one without borrowing some words from Kyle Lake. Kyle was a young pastor at a church around here who was electrocuted while getting ready to baptize someone my freshman year of college. These were his sermon notes for that day:

Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now. On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE. Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.
Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed. If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift."

These words are on my bulletin board above my desk, and I look at them often. When I think of the way Kate lived, I think a lot about what Kyle said here. That is the kind of life I want to live, the kind I hope I live everyday.

5. The most random people can change your life.

I looked around the table at dinner tonight, and it made me smile. To my right was a guy that has been my friend since about the first week of college, and has honestly been through everything with me. Next to him was a guy that I have had a few classes with, but only just started to hang out with. Then there was one of my little freshman that I love... this kid calls me all the time with the most random things, but I love her to death and she always makes me laugh. And then another girlfriend to my left, who is just so loud and fun and has never met a stranger. It was just such a good picture of the friends I have right now... I would say honestly of the 3 people I talk to the most, one I met freshman year, one I got close to the end of sophomore year, and the other I met this year. They are all SO different, but they all make me laugh and bring out the best in me (most of the time!!!!) Honestly, I'm not sure what made me talk to any of them, or made any of them talk to me. But through random occurrences, they are my favorite people.

6. Embrace your inner nerd.

Its ok to be smart, and its ok to act smart. Now, based on some grades, I am sure I have some profs who might question my intelligence about now. And I don't think I would blame them really. But for the first time, I don't feel shy about knowing something. I have this thirst for knowledge (not all knowledge, only marketing knowledge, and only when I have slept!) and I just want to learn more and more. Which is part of the reasoning behind grad school. 

There are a few more. I may come back and add more. Or I may not. But these were all important. 

Just some thoughts...

Those of you who know me well know that I have spend several years working with middle school and high school students at a few different churches. While sadly my schedule does not allow me to work with them at the present, I still remember some very cool lessons I have learned from some of these kiddos. Tonight I was having a rough night, and I remembered a letter that I have had in my Bible for at least 4 years now, which I treasure dearly. It was written by a much younger friend of mine, whom I have not talked to for years, and yet I think about this letter often. This is parts of it:

Isaiah 43:1-4

He who created you

He who formed you-

Fear not... I have called you by name; you are mine...

When you pass through the waters (hard times) I will be with you;

When you pass through rivers (hard times, disappointments) they will not sweep over you!

When you walk through the fire (hard times, disappointments, sadness) you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord your God- you are precious and honored in my sight!

hey chick- the las time I had a hard time my moma gave these verses to me! they really helped me& I thought it might help you a little more!... These are 4 verses you want to know 4 the rest of your life. Since my last hard time I have kept these verses on my night stand. Whenever I go to sleep I start thinking a lot about some stupid stuff. If something is bugging me I turn my lamp on and read these verses! I hope they will help you the way they helped and are helping me!... Love ya, Ann

Now honestly, this letter has no date, and I could not begin to tell you what I must have been going through for her to write this. But for years, when I have gone to bed and been worrying about a lot, I have turned on MY lamp and re read this letter. The paper is worn and crinkled, but I consider it to be one of the most precious things in my nightstand. So here I am, sharing this with you. I don't know who reads this, and I don't know who needs those verses tonight, or even years from now. But I needed them tonight, and I felt like I should share. 

Eli Young Band- So Close Now <3

I've got the streets memorized
I see the faces embedded in my mind
I can't keep on fighting the urge go
I've got nothing in common with this town I've come to know
(So)

Chorus:
I am so close now to walking away
About to walk a path I've gotta take
I am packing up heading out
I can't sleep I'm dreaming way too loud
I'm so close now, so close now
to getting out

The same old lines, the same routine
Nothing changes and that's not good for me
I need a break. I need something new
I need to replace these old worn out broken shoes
(Cus)

I am so close now to walking away
About to walk a path I've gotta take
I am packing up heading out
I can't sleep I'm dreaming way too loud
I'm so close now, so close now
to getting out

I've got that truck all loaded down
I should've known how hard it'd be leave this town

I am....
So close now to walking away
About to walk a path I've gotta take
I am packing up heading out
I can't sleep I'm dreaming way too loud
I'm so close now, so close now
to getting out

Time is money

Or something like that. I have very little of either, so maybe that is true. 

Rant:

I only have so many hours in a day. Once I put you on the calendar, you are THERE, and your spot is reserved. But please respect that, and don't get mad when you bail and I don't have a slot left for you. Lets look at my week next week:

Sunday: Church till 12, lunch plans, 2 @ B-school to do three projects, Meetings at 6:30 and 7:30

Monday: Class 9-3:50, Meetings at 4, 6, and 9.

Tuesday: Class 9:30-11, Work at 11, Meetings at 2, 4, 5:30, 7, and 8:30.

Wednesday: Class 9-3:50, Leaving town the moment I possibly can until Sunday.

So the next time you bail on someone and then get mad when they don't have time to reschedule you, please remember that some people actually have a lot to do, and please respect their time. If I could stay up 24 hours a day every day I would, but lets face it, life does not work that way.

End Rant.

Sorry, really not in that bad of a mood. School is done for the week, and I have some fun stuff planned today... including cleaning and working out now that I have an unexpected free block in my day! :) (no, I don't enjoy cleaning that much, but I had 4 tests in 3 days this week, so my floor is pretty much completely hidden, and its driving me insane!)

Its been a pretty much amazing week. 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:7-9, NIV).

I love this verse. It has been a long time favorite, probably since I found out the band Jars of Clay got their name from it wayyy back in middle school.  Its such a beautiful picture of how God holds us during the worst of times, and never gives us more than we can handle- with his strength. And there have been some storms in my life in the past months and years... some of them rather big. And yet, I made it. I am stronger, and I know where my strength comes from. I may look like just an every day jar, but in His strength, I can stand up to a lot... and be used for a lot.  

Lately, I have been able to see the rainbows in my life... I feel the storms are over (for now). Yesterday was honestly one of the most exciting days of this year, if not all of college. It was just one of those days where lots of unexpected things happened that made me smile and giggle and  jump around like a little kid. And plans for this summer are unfolding... its looking like I am going to be driving down to San Antonio a lot to see some of my favorite people, and then lots of fun with the girls here in Waco too. I'm just so excited right now, so many cool things are happening and doors are opening that I didn't know would ever open. God is just so amazing, and I am so pumped about what he is doing in my life right now!!! :)

YESSSSS!!!

I just registered for my next to last semester of undergrad! YES!!!!!!

granted, its one of those schedules where I look at it and go, ohhhh boy its going to be an intense semester... especially if someone doesn't drop out of MWF 10am finance, because 2:30 on MWF is going to kill me.... who does finance at 2:30 on a FRIDAY??? And I am taking both managements because I am cool and put off everything that wasn't a marketing class. But T/TH are going to be the best ever.... QBA for MBAs, and Professional Selling 2. Yes, thats right, I am a nerd and am actually excited about both of those. 

and now I need to finish studying for advertising so that I can pass and take all these fun classes.

4am and I am bored...

Stealing Cinderella

I came to see her daddy for sit down man to man

It wasn't any secret i'd be asking for her hand

I guess that's why he left me waiting in the living room by myself

with at least a dozen pictures of her sitting on a shelf

[Chorus;]

She was playing Cinderella

She was riding her first bike

Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight

Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin

Dancing with her dad, looking up at him

In her eyes i'm Prince Charming

But to him i'm just some fella

riding in and stealing Cinderella

I leaned in towards those pictures to get a better look at one

When I heard a voice behind me say "Now, ain't she something, son?"

I said "Yes, she quite a woman" and he just stared at me

Then I realized that in his eyes she would always be

Playing Cinderella

Riding her first bike

Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight

Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin

Dancing with her dad, looking up at him

In her eyes i'm Prince Charming

But to him i'm just some fella riding in and stealing Cinderella

He slapped me on the shoulder

Then he called her in the room

When she threw her arms around him

That's when I could see it too

She was Playing Cinderella

Riding her first bike

Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight

Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin

Dancing with her dad, looking up at him

If he gives me a hard time

I can't blame the fella

I'm the one who's stealing Cinderella

I love this song. Its like 4am, and I am waiting on laundry to get done so I can toss it in the dryer and go to sleep. Finally. You would thing if I had stayed up this late I would have gotten a lot of studying done, but no such luck. Really, now I am motivated, but I know I won't remember anything I study this late. So its going to be an early morning for me tomorrow, getting up and studying, stepping out, dinner with the girls, and then more cramming... I have 150 pages of marketing research to get through tomorrow, and then 4 chapters of advertising and 4 chapters of management information systems to get through sunday. wooo tests. 

I'm really excited about life right now. Several specific things, but especially life in general. A bunch of stuff that has been on my mind is really starting to work out (mainly school/grad school)... and things finally seem to be going better in general. I think the rain really makes me appreciate the sunshine, and boy was I glad this week to wake up and see the rainbow!!! Its been a tough season, and I know that life in general can be tough, but I feel like I am walking away so much stronger... not in my own strength, but in His. 

a thought....

"I'm probably the most indecisive person ever. I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times I'm hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe

While Marilyn Monroe might not be complete role model material in all aspects of her life, I really love the last part of this quote.It is so easy sometimes to have the friends that you only hang out with on the good days- every memory with them is sunshine, laughter, and random adventures. You know that if you called some of them crying, they would have some excuse to run, because they can't handle when your life is a mess.  And then sometimes you have those friends that you know 24/7, no matter how many hours, days, months, or years have gone by since you last spoke, that if you pick up the phone they will be on their way to your house.  Maybe just with a shoulder to cry on... your favorite food... or some errand to get you out of the house. They will toss tortillas off the suspension bridge with you late at night because your ex is getting married, come watch movies all afternoon because you are too sad to talk but just need them there, or answer their phone when they are dead asleep and have to be at work in 3 hours. These friends deal with you at your worst, no matter what, because they love you.  How many times in life do we give all the best of us to people who don't care, but only give the worst to the ones we love? Maybe its those friends who deal with the messy who truly deserve to celebrate all the good times with us. 

And its even true with God. How many times do we run to him on the worst of days, ready to dump all our problems on Him, and demand answers when things don't go our way, and yet on the best of days, we keep on going. But God can handle us at our worst. He is ready, waiting to carry us and draw us into His loving embrace. So how much more does He deserve our praise on the best of days?

Ashley Sheridan Brown & Alicia Christine Bonura 3.29.06

                                
"You can't choose how you will die, but you can choose how you will live."

Ashley had those words written on a notecard on her bulletin board when she died that day. I don't think she would have ever guessed how many times those words would be repeated when people remembered her. But they are so fitting... Ashley lived every day 110%. She was a sophomore on the varsity soccer team... it never crossed my mind that she was on that bus until I heard the news.

Who I'd like to meet:
I cant wait to meet God.... and Id also like to meet Mia Hamm, Craig Biggio and maybe even you:)

Those are the words on Alicia's myspace. When she wrote them, she had no idea how much comfort they would bring her family and friends, as we reminded ourselves that she was ready to meet God, and excited about it. The last time I had seen Alicia was at a community service event, where we were both volunteering on our Christmas breaks. She was so excited about college, I teased her about being an Aggie, and we laughed as we caught up.

On March 29,2006, I never knew how much my life would change when I got up and went to class. I came home, and was in my dorm room when I got the call. I can close my eyes, and I am back in that exact spot. Jonna was in there, I was standing behind my desk when my dad called. He told me there had been a wreck... Amanda was ok... Matt was on his way, they would let me know when they knew more. All I knew was the varsity girls soccer bus had flipped... and I sat down, staring in disbelief. (Matt is my brother, and Amanda is his ex and a good family friend, who had thankfully thought to call Matt to tell him she was ok)  Matt had to take back roads, there was no way to get through... I remember hearing that he was on dirt roads flying, desperate to get to his friends. Then I found out two girls had died. I called Courtney, she was here at Baylor but she and her younger sister had both played soccer, and I knew she would have updates. I called Abby too, we had been best friends in HS, and I knew she still kept up with the soccer team she had spent so many hours practicing with. I knew by now 2 girls were pinned. I knew people were crawling out of the bus covered in ants... that it was raining, people were being transported to different hospitals. I called Ben... I was crying so hard I didn't know what else to do. By the time I got through to him, I knew Alicia had died. I was devastated, Alicia had been super close friends with my brother and his girlfriend, and she and I had hung out a lot through various school events. Ben was in formation and promised to call me back. By this time I had run to Ashleigh's room... I was sitting on the floor sobbing. Then I found out it was Ashley. At first, I kept insisting my dad was wrong. You see, there was another girl I had gone to school with who had the same name, but she was a year older than me and had graduated. But her sister was a year younger than me, and had played soccer, so I figured that it must be her. But then he told me it was Ashley. Ben's cousin. The funny girl who had sat in with me while I taught middle schoolers at church and made all of us laugh. The one who never believed me when Ben and I started dating, but then was so excited once she saw pictures of the two of us. And right after I hung up with my dad, Ben called me back. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't even say hi. And I remember him asking me if Ashley was on the bus. I could barely get the words out as I told him she was. He caught the was, and knew. I could hear it in his voice. He asked me if she got off... and I had to tell him no. It broke my heart completely in half to tell him that his beautiful, sweet cousin never got off the bus that afternoon. 

I went to class the next day and walked out anytime my phone went off. I didn't care to be there... I slept during some, cried during others. I wanted to be out of Waco, back where people understood the pain I was going through. I drove home for the funerals that Friday... went home and picked up my youngest brother, and went straight to my dad's office. I ran into his arms, even though I knew he was on the phone. I will never forget the look on his face as he ended that call and held me tight. That whole weekend was the hardest thing I had done in my life until that point. I buried two friends who were younger than me, and so full of life. I sat next to friends and family and held their hands and cried with them. Coming back to school was hard... so was walking into lab two days later and seeing the charter bus we were supposed to ride. I had a panic attack and burst into tears... luckily a girl in my class was from a few towns away from me and was able to tell the lab ta what was wrong. 

I stopped at the wreck site over Thanksgiving. Ironically, as I got back into my car I found out another friend of mine from HS had been in a wreck and was fighting for her life, and died soon after. But as I sat on the ground where that bus had layed on its side, I remembered all the times these two beautiful girls had made me laugh. I honestly can't remember a time I was around them that they weren't smiling and full of joy. 

The state of Texas is going to require seatbelts in busses starting in 2009, and in 2010 for charter busses used by schools. If Ashley and Alicia hadn't been in that wreck, if so many others hadn't been injured, who knows whether this important legislation would have ever been passed. I gave a few speeches on the topic last semester, and while it was the hardest speech I have ever had to give, I feel people should be informed. People should know about Ashley and Alicia, see their beautiful smiles, know their stories, and know why this legislation is so very important. And its still a battle, we know the fight is not up yet. In fact, this article about it was in the local paper today... it actually made me cry, reading what Ashley's dad and Lolo (her grandmother) said. 

Here is the article the paper ran 3.29.08

Here is the slideshow of pictures the paper ran 3.29.08

The slideshow makes me cry... I know almost every single person in those pictures. My sister in law is the one crying at the flagpole... we actually have that picture at my house. 

May angles lead you in my friends. I can remember our time together fondly, because I know yall are in a better place. But we still miss you, and we will never forget the sunshine yall brought into our lives. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATE!!!

I can't believe it has been a year since we sat in that office giggling over your beautiful birthday cake. And you convinced me that I NEEDED to have that much sugar, and that my boss would not notice I wasn't working. All our big plans and dreams, sitting there giggling in that office. Even then we talked about Vegas... your 21st, my graduation, most of our pledge class and all our friends. KD takes over Vegas. Woulda been a blast, I have no doubt. And yet, less than 8 months after that beautiful afternoon, I laid a white rose on your casket and mourned the loss of a dear friend and sister. I loved that there were white roses, you would have been so proud. And in just a few short hours, we are leaving to skydive for your birthday. I know you will be looking down laughing hysterically as we do it... I know you would have loved to be there to watch everyone's faces in those last moments before they jump. Part of my wants to empty my checking account and jump too... I would so do that for you. The thought terrifies me, but somehow knowing you did it makes it seem totally doable. I will, one day, promise. I am sitting here crying wishing you were here, but they are also happy tears because I know my life has been changed for the better because you were in it. Most days I still think you will walk through that door, probably in something ridiculous like those crazy boots and shorts from Battle of the Bands, and with some huge dramatic sigh you will start telling me about everything going on in your life. Or that I will get some goofy random text from you that will start a random conversation that will go on for days. Actually, you are still in my phone- "Kate the gr8" - haha it really says that babe. Tomorrow is going to be a celebration of your life, and it will be a happy day, because I know one day I will see your beautiful smile once more. Love you hun, AOT forever.

I've heard it said 

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow 

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend:

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you:

Because I knew you:

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air

I ask forgiveness

For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know

There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun.

Like a stream the meets a boulder halfway through the wood.

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea.

Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better?

And because I knew you: 

Because I knew you: 

Because I knew you: 

I have been changed for good.

shes just a little girl...

She's always tryin' to be
some independent girl who is never in need
But 20 years in this town
she still relys on me to find her way around

because she's just a little girl - time isn't holding her down
she's just a little girl - she never needed a crown
she just wants somebody around
who won't laugh when she laughs too loud
she just wants somebody to see
she's just a little girl

when i think too much
the voices in my head are silenced by her touch
she hates bein alone
and babytalks to me when we're on the phone

because she's just a little girl - time isn't holding her down
she's just a little girl - she never needed a crown
she just wants somebody around
who won't laugh when she laughs too loud
she just wants somebody to see
she's just a little girl

in a world that moves too fast
she's afraid she'll never last
but if she holds the faith of a child
she'll be alright... she'll be alright

because she's just a little girl - time isn't holding her down
she's just a little girl - she never needed a crown
she just wants somebody around
who won't laugh when she laughs too loud
she just wants somebody to see
she's just a little girl

I love that song. I blame Jonna. Well, Bryan, he showed it to her, I heard it from her, and now its on myspace and everyone gets to listen to it. Woo. Its kinda my life though.

In other news, I think I just heard the shotgun again. Someone in our neighborhood shoots one every once in awhile... nobody knows who. Its weird. and freaky.

And I am way too busy for my own good. I just want a nap. And to go fly my kite. The Easter Bunny bought me one!!! Its fabulous- neon and wayy too bright. I plan on finding a nice field and being a little kid for a few hours. I feel it will be amazing. Feel free to come, it can be a kite party. Somewhere in the midst of Sigma Chi Derby Days and Fiota Cup flag football and TKE mud tug of war and working with the Girl Scouts and Bearathon this weekend. Mmm speaking of all things greek... my favorite week is coming... GREEK WEEK!!! yayyy!!! Too bad its not as cool as every other school. But I will take what I can get.

Homework time. Night kiddos. :)

GRAD SCHOOL SCHTUFF! :)

I know, it seems kinda early to be thinking about grad school (for those of you out of the loop- I plan on working a couple of years first!) But then today... I had this thought. I don't really plan on doing grad school in Texas. Which means I need residency. Which means I need to be looking at jobs in those states, preferably in the area of the school. SO! I started researching some schools and this is the list so far I have come up with (in no particular order!):

The University of Georgia at Athens  (Athens, GA)

The University of Nebraska at Lincoln (Lincoln, NE)

The University of Arizona (Tucson, AZ)

Soooo.... any opinions?  (*Note- there is a poll to the right, please vote!)

I know Carolyn and Stephen want me in Nebraska haha. And Lauren and her family want me in Arizona. I think all of the areas have a fairly good job market. Honestly the program I was most impressed with was UNL, but that is the only campus I have not seen. Which means a long weekend visit to Carolyn may be in order!

But seriously, I would appreciate any prayers, thoughts, ideas, anything! 

I am also working on internship stuff right now. Which means writing up a proposal, because the job I want does not currently exist. But I would love to make it exist! I would basically be working for this apartment complex chain, going around to different areas living on site and working on marketing and finding ways to more effectively reach their intended client base. Honestly, I think it would be the coolest job EVER! Who knows, maybe they will open up a new location somewhere I want to go to grad school!!! ;) haha. 

And in other news... I figured out I can change the date of posts, so I just imported some of my myspace and facebook blogs into one nifty place, with correct dates. Wooo! Its a good thing I remember some HTML, because that was a mess. And not all of them made it... oh well!

Painting my corner of the bigger picture...

slap, slap, slap, slap

My tennis shoes pound against the pavement as I jog down the path.

"There is no one like you. There has never ever been anyone like you.."

Crowder blares in my ears. To the point people scare me as they pass me because I didn't hear them coming, but I don't care. My senses are being overloaded by something I need more than air at this point... praises.

Now. I have been at Baylor for 3 years now. I know better than to run the Beartrail alone after dark. And yet, there was this pull. You see, for me, the Beartrail means quality catching up time. This has taken many shapes over the past few years: catching up with girlfriends, long heart to hearts when my heart was heavy, and time with Jesus. While I love my time with my girls, my time with Jesus on the Beartrail is always amazing. Or anytime I workout actually. Nobody interrupts, nobody gives me funny looks when it is clear my mind is a million miles away, and its just me and Jesus. Its beautiful, I recommend it.

So I get home, and almost by instinct I flip by Bible open to one of my favorite passages. John 9. Jesus is healing a man who was born blind, and people want to know if he is blind because he sinned, or because his parents sinned. But Jesus replies: "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

That hits me every time. In Dei Gloriam. For the glory of God. *Disclaimer- I speak English. I just know that phrase means that and I like it. Who knows how the original text phrased it!*  How many times do bad things come up, or we are faced with challenges, and we wonder what we are being punished for. And yet, maybe it is so God's power can be shown through us. That is a humbling thought to me... that God would want his perfect power displayed through my broken self.  Why would God want to use me?

This last weekend my little brother proposed to his girlfriend of two years. *Insert the aww and smiles* I got to be a part of the proposal, and help keep her occupied until he was ready.  When it was time (8:12 pm to be exact... he was very specific!) I got to bring his princess to him so that he could give her a night she would never forget. As I got back into the car after I handed her off, I cried. It was such an amazing feeling to know that my brother had wanted me to be a part of that special moment and help him in that way. And yet, that is only a tiny glimpse of what God wants to do with my life. He wants to take me and use me and bring about something beautiful and wonderful- and while, as not many people may hear about who dropped her off, many may not see firsthand what part I play in a bigger picture, but it is the bigger picture that matters.

So here I am God. I know there is a bigger picture, and you need me to paint a corner. Hand me a brush and point me in the right direction, I'm all yours.

Beautiful Encounters (myspace)

Last week I saw a couple that made me stop and think. I was sitting in a waiting room, waiting to have some blood taken, and I noticed a couple several seats over from me waiting. Neither could have been much older than me. I could tell they hadn't been married very long, their rings still had that bright, unscratched glint to them, and she played with hers as she sat with her eyes closed, resting. He had a backpack, and had her tote bag as well, full of things to make her comfortable. It was obvious she was going through chemo from the warm hat covering her bald head and the tiredness in her eyes. Yet, he was concerned about making her comfortable. About her needs. When her name was called, he fell asleep in the chair, a look of peace on his face. It was clear he hadn't been sleeping well. Yet he would not rest when she was by his side, he wanted to be awake, to make her smile.
As I sat there, I couldn't help but smile. It was clear life had dealt them a tough hand, but he had chosen to stay by her side no matter what the outcome would be. I couldn't help but wonder what that must be like, to love someone that completely that even if they only had a few months left, you would never leave their side. Never protect yourself from the pain and agony that might be waiting just around the corner, but instead, simply fall more and more in love with each passing moment.