A Year Later (myspace)

3.29.06

You would think that after a year, the memories would have faded some.
That I couldnt still hear that voice "Lindsey... there is something I need to tell you... there was a wreck..."
That I couldnt still hear him say among the hundreds of phone calls that afternoon, first "Lindsey, it was Alicia"... and then later, "Lindsey, the other one was Ashley Brown". And my disbelief, no, not them, it wasnt them, no not this.
You would think I wouldnt be able to close my eyes and still hear that voice asking me if she was ok. If she got off the bus. And you would think after all this time, I wouldnt still remember how much my heart hurt to cry and not be able to tell you that you would see that beautiful smile again.
You would think I couldnt still feel my dads arms around me and the tears down my face when I showed up at his office after making that horrible drive home. Or the panic attack I had when I was supposed to ride a charter bus just days later. I couldnt breathe- I never got on that bus, I took my own car.
You would think that now I might have forgotten that conversation Alicia and I had over Christmas. She wanted me to go to George's, visit her uncle. I haven't been able to go since then, I haven't been strong enough. Maybe I will go after work tomorrow... I should for her.
You would think the memory of Ashley's impish grin would have faded a little. That I wouldnt remember her quick wit and wonderful analogies as we taught middle school students that summer at church.
But its all there. All it takes is closing my eyes, and I go back. And yah, most people prolly have no idea how hard I took it... and I dont know that I ever have the words to explain that either. But I think about them nearly every day. That date if forever burned in my memory, as is the entire weekend of funerals. Coming home from college to bury friends who are younger than you, it seems so wrong.
I stopped at the wreck sight on the way to the airport over Thanksgiving. I wanted to bring flowers, but who is open on Thanksgiving day?? I pulled over and got out... kneeled in front of all the memorials and took it in. And prayed for your families, I know the holidays cant be easy. And then... I found out less than 5 minutes later that Lauren was in ICU, and just days later, she was gone too. I couldnt make it home for her funeral, but I can still picture her mischevious smile when we were making sure that our flute section was misbehaving during summer band.
I have lost a lot of people the past couple of years. But I have also learned an important lesson. People will remember you by the way you live. It is up to you how you want them to remember you.
"You can't choose how you will die, but you can choose how you will live."