MOViNG ON

So... when someone dies, its natural that after awhile you have to move on. And this takes different amounts of time for different people. But sometimes its just hard. Its hard finishing another semester without Kate. It was hard tonight to have another "last meeting of the semester"... because then all I could think about was finishing out last semester, and Kate's empty chair beside me. I was listening to Just a Little Girl by Stephen Speaks tonight, and for some reason I just kept thinking about Kate. She will always be a little girl kinda... caught in that moment between childhood and being an adult. I hate that, I want her here next to me, scheming about recruitment and boys and summer jobs. This summer you were supposed to be in Italy sweet girl... sending us pictures of hot Italian guys and soaking up all the artwork possible. You had your grand plan to stay there between semesters and finish the fall there too... haha come back just in time for my last semester, your 21st, Vegas.... 

Its just not fair sometimes. I know shes in a better place, but I am still human, still selfish, and I still want her to walk into the room laughing about something silly... I just want to watch that smile light up one more time. One more hug. One more picture, just like our favorite one of us. One more laugh. That last phone call I almost made, just an hour before the wreck. I should have called. I should have gotten to tell you one more time how much I love you.

Lessons Learned This Semester...

1. Priorities are important.

This semester started out on a stressful note, with recruitment, no sleep, the lovely ticket on the way to Houston, and so many unanswered questions. I could have let this take over, and I did for awhile, but I was constantly upset. So I let it go. Honestly, questions don't answer themselves any faster if you stress about it.  

I also had to sit down and think about what mattered. Life is not a guarantee, its a gift. If tomorrow isn't promised, what do I need to get done today? If today is the last time I see one of my friends, what is it that I will always wish I had done with them?

2. Laughing is important.

Honestly, I don't think I have laughed this much ever. Except maybe freshman year with the ROTC guys, and I should post those videos on youtube so EVERYONE can see the insane stuff that went on in 3309. But seriously, being able to laugh at yourself is important. Sleeping through class is not the end of the world, laugh it off. Neither is slipping down the stairs of a building in front of all your friends... oh wait, that was last year, and I can just now laugh about that! :) But I mean, so what that everyone is judging you for watching TV through the window during a fire... if it makes ya laugh (and is reasonably safe!) why not? Girls nights out will always be the best memories... so will hanging out with random friends you would have normally never done something with outside of school.

3. Let things go.

For those of you who have never had more than a very casual conversation with me, I have had 13 majors in 3 years. Now, mostly I laugh about this, I realize thats insane. But I have always wanted to do a million things with my life, and would plan and plan and plan on how to do everything. But this semester I just kind of... dropped it. All of it. I let go, and let God. And yes, my life is taking a completely different direction now. But I am so excited about it, and I am so much at peace. I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people why I would want to do this, but I know that this is my dream, and I have found my passion, and I am going for it.

4. Live BIG. 

I feel I can't start this one without borrowing some words from Kyle Lake. Kyle was a young pastor at a church around here who was electrocuted while getting ready to baptize someone my freshman year of college. These were his sermon notes for that day:

Live. And Live Well. BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now. On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE. Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.
Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed. If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well. At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift."

These words are on my bulletin board above my desk, and I look at them often. When I think of the way Kate lived, I think a lot about what Kyle said here. That is the kind of life I want to live, the kind I hope I live everyday.

5. The most random people can change your life.

I looked around the table at dinner tonight, and it made me smile. To my right was a guy that has been my friend since about the first week of college, and has honestly been through everything with me. Next to him was a guy that I have had a few classes with, but only just started to hang out with. Then there was one of my little freshman that I love... this kid calls me all the time with the most random things, but I love her to death and she always makes me laugh. And then another girlfriend to my left, who is just so loud and fun and has never met a stranger. It was just such a good picture of the friends I have right now... I would say honestly of the 3 people I talk to the most, one I met freshman year, one I got close to the end of sophomore year, and the other I met this year. They are all SO different, but they all make me laugh and bring out the best in me (most of the time!!!!) Honestly, I'm not sure what made me talk to any of them, or made any of them talk to me. But through random occurrences, they are my favorite people.

6. Embrace your inner nerd.

Its ok to be smart, and its ok to act smart. Now, based on some grades, I am sure I have some profs who might question my intelligence about now. And I don't think I would blame them really. But for the first time, I don't feel shy about knowing something. I have this thirst for knowledge (not all knowledge, only marketing knowledge, and only when I have slept!) and I just want to learn more and more. Which is part of the reasoning behind grad school. 

There are a few more. I may come back and add more. Or I may not. But these were all important. 

Just some thoughts...

Those of you who know me well know that I have spend several years working with middle school and high school students at a few different churches. While sadly my schedule does not allow me to work with them at the present, I still remember some very cool lessons I have learned from some of these kiddos. Tonight I was having a rough night, and I remembered a letter that I have had in my Bible for at least 4 years now, which I treasure dearly. It was written by a much younger friend of mine, whom I have not talked to for years, and yet I think about this letter often. This is parts of it:

Isaiah 43:1-4

He who created you

He who formed you-

Fear not... I have called you by name; you are mine...

When you pass through the waters (hard times) I will be with you;

When you pass through rivers (hard times, disappointments) they will not sweep over you!

When you walk through the fire (hard times, disappointments, sadness) you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord your God- you are precious and honored in my sight!

hey chick- the las time I had a hard time my moma gave these verses to me! they really helped me& I thought it might help you a little more!... These are 4 verses you want to know 4 the rest of your life. Since my last hard time I have kept these verses on my night stand. Whenever I go to sleep I start thinking a lot about some stupid stuff. If something is bugging me I turn my lamp on and read these verses! I hope they will help you the way they helped and are helping me!... Love ya, Ann

Now honestly, this letter has no date, and I could not begin to tell you what I must have been going through for her to write this. But for years, when I have gone to bed and been worrying about a lot, I have turned on MY lamp and re read this letter. The paper is worn and crinkled, but I consider it to be one of the most precious things in my nightstand. So here I am, sharing this with you. I don't know who reads this, and I don't know who needs those verses tonight, or even years from now. But I needed them tonight, and I felt like I should share. 

Eli Young Band- So Close Now <3

I've got the streets memorized
I see the faces embedded in my mind
I can't keep on fighting the urge go
I've got nothing in common with this town I've come to know
(So)

Chorus:
I am so close now to walking away
About to walk a path I've gotta take
I am packing up heading out
I can't sleep I'm dreaming way too loud
I'm so close now, so close now
to getting out

The same old lines, the same routine
Nothing changes and that's not good for me
I need a break. I need something new
I need to replace these old worn out broken shoes
(Cus)

I am so close now to walking away
About to walk a path I've gotta take
I am packing up heading out
I can't sleep I'm dreaming way too loud
I'm so close now, so close now
to getting out

I've got that truck all loaded down
I should've known how hard it'd be leave this town

I am....
So close now to walking away
About to walk a path I've gotta take
I am packing up heading out
I can't sleep I'm dreaming way too loud
I'm so close now, so close now
to getting out

Time is money

Or something like that. I have very little of either, so maybe that is true. 

Rant:

I only have so many hours in a day. Once I put you on the calendar, you are THERE, and your spot is reserved. But please respect that, and don't get mad when you bail and I don't have a slot left for you. Lets look at my week next week:

Sunday: Church till 12, lunch plans, 2 @ B-school to do three projects, Meetings at 6:30 and 7:30

Monday: Class 9-3:50, Meetings at 4, 6, and 9.

Tuesday: Class 9:30-11, Work at 11, Meetings at 2, 4, 5:30, 7, and 8:30.

Wednesday: Class 9-3:50, Leaving town the moment I possibly can until Sunday.

So the next time you bail on someone and then get mad when they don't have time to reschedule you, please remember that some people actually have a lot to do, and please respect their time. If I could stay up 24 hours a day every day I would, but lets face it, life does not work that way.

End Rant.

Sorry, really not in that bad of a mood. School is done for the week, and I have some fun stuff planned today... including cleaning and working out now that I have an unexpected free block in my day! :) (no, I don't enjoy cleaning that much, but I had 4 tests in 3 days this week, so my floor is pretty much completely hidden, and its driving me insane!)

Its been a pretty much amazing week. 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:7-9, NIV).

I love this verse. It has been a long time favorite, probably since I found out the band Jars of Clay got their name from it wayyy back in middle school.  Its such a beautiful picture of how God holds us during the worst of times, and never gives us more than we can handle- with his strength. And there have been some storms in my life in the past months and years... some of them rather big. And yet, I made it. I am stronger, and I know where my strength comes from. I may look like just an every day jar, but in His strength, I can stand up to a lot... and be used for a lot.  

Lately, I have been able to see the rainbows in my life... I feel the storms are over (for now). Yesterday was honestly one of the most exciting days of this year, if not all of college. It was just one of those days where lots of unexpected things happened that made me smile and giggle and  jump around like a little kid. And plans for this summer are unfolding... its looking like I am going to be driving down to San Antonio a lot to see some of my favorite people, and then lots of fun with the girls here in Waco too. I'm just so excited right now, so many cool things are happening and doors are opening that I didn't know would ever open. God is just so amazing, and I am so pumped about what he is doing in my life right now!!! :)

YESSSSS!!!

I just registered for my next to last semester of undergrad! YES!!!!!!

granted, its one of those schedules where I look at it and go, ohhhh boy its going to be an intense semester... especially if someone doesn't drop out of MWF 10am finance, because 2:30 on MWF is going to kill me.... who does finance at 2:30 on a FRIDAY??? And I am taking both managements because I am cool and put off everything that wasn't a marketing class. But T/TH are going to be the best ever.... QBA for MBAs, and Professional Selling 2. Yes, thats right, I am a nerd and am actually excited about both of those. 

and now I need to finish studying for advertising so that I can pass and take all these fun classes.

4am and I am bored...

Stealing Cinderella

I came to see her daddy for sit down man to man

It wasn't any secret i'd be asking for her hand

I guess that's why he left me waiting in the living room by myself

with at least a dozen pictures of her sitting on a shelf

[Chorus;]

She was playing Cinderella

She was riding her first bike

Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight

Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin

Dancing with her dad, looking up at him

In her eyes i'm Prince Charming

But to him i'm just some fella

riding in and stealing Cinderella

I leaned in towards those pictures to get a better look at one

When I heard a voice behind me say "Now, ain't she something, son?"

I said "Yes, she quite a woman" and he just stared at me

Then I realized that in his eyes she would always be

Playing Cinderella

Riding her first bike

Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight

Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin

Dancing with her dad, looking up at him

In her eyes i'm Prince Charming

But to him i'm just some fella riding in and stealing Cinderella

He slapped me on the shoulder

Then he called her in the room

When she threw her arms around him

That's when I could see it too

She was Playing Cinderella

Riding her first bike

Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight

Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin

Dancing with her dad, looking up at him

If he gives me a hard time

I can't blame the fella

I'm the one who's stealing Cinderella

I love this song. Its like 4am, and I am waiting on laundry to get done so I can toss it in the dryer and go to sleep. Finally. You would thing if I had stayed up this late I would have gotten a lot of studying done, but no such luck. Really, now I am motivated, but I know I won't remember anything I study this late. So its going to be an early morning for me tomorrow, getting up and studying, stepping out, dinner with the girls, and then more cramming... I have 150 pages of marketing research to get through tomorrow, and then 4 chapters of advertising and 4 chapters of management information systems to get through sunday. wooo tests. 

I'm really excited about life right now. Several specific things, but especially life in general. A bunch of stuff that has been on my mind is really starting to work out (mainly school/grad school)... and things finally seem to be going better in general. I think the rain really makes me appreciate the sunshine, and boy was I glad this week to wake up and see the rainbow!!! Its been a tough season, and I know that life in general can be tough, but I feel like I am walking away so much stronger... not in my own strength, but in His.