HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATE!!!

I can't believe it has been a year since we sat in that office giggling over your beautiful birthday cake. And you convinced me that I NEEDED to have that much sugar, and that my boss would not notice I wasn't working. All our big plans and dreams, sitting there giggling in that office. Even then we talked about Vegas... your 21st, my graduation, most of our pledge class and all our friends. KD takes over Vegas. Woulda been a blast, I have no doubt. And yet, less than 8 months after that beautiful afternoon, I laid a white rose on your casket and mourned the loss of a dear friend and sister. I loved that there were white roses, you would have been so proud. And in just a few short hours, we are leaving to skydive for your birthday. I know you will be looking down laughing hysterically as we do it... I know you would have loved to be there to watch everyone's faces in those last moments before they jump. Part of my wants to empty my checking account and jump too... I would so do that for you. The thought terrifies me, but somehow knowing you did it makes it seem totally doable. I will, one day, promise. I am sitting here crying wishing you were here, but they are also happy tears because I know my life has been changed for the better because you were in it. Most days I still think you will walk through that door, probably in something ridiculous like those crazy boots and shorts from Battle of the Bands, and with some huge dramatic sigh you will start telling me about everything going on in your life. Or that I will get some goofy random text from you that will start a random conversation that will go on for days. Actually, you are still in my phone- "Kate the gr8" - haha it really says that babe. Tomorrow is going to be a celebration of your life, and it will be a happy day, because I know one day I will see your beautiful smile once more. Love you hun, AOT forever.

I've heard it said 

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow 

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend:

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you:

Because I knew you:

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air

I ask forgiveness

For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know

There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun.

Like a stream the meets a boulder halfway through the wood.

Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea.

Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

I do believe I have been changed for the better?

And because I knew you: 

Because I knew you: 

Because I knew you: 

I have been changed for good.

shes just a little girl...

She's always tryin' to be
some independent girl who is never in need
But 20 years in this town
she still relys on me to find her way around

because she's just a little girl - time isn't holding her down
she's just a little girl - she never needed a crown
she just wants somebody around
who won't laugh when she laughs too loud
she just wants somebody to see
she's just a little girl

when i think too much
the voices in my head are silenced by her touch
she hates bein alone
and babytalks to me when we're on the phone

because she's just a little girl - time isn't holding her down
she's just a little girl - she never needed a crown
she just wants somebody around
who won't laugh when she laughs too loud
she just wants somebody to see
she's just a little girl

in a world that moves too fast
she's afraid she'll never last
but if she holds the faith of a child
she'll be alright... she'll be alright

because she's just a little girl - time isn't holding her down
she's just a little girl - she never needed a crown
she just wants somebody around
who won't laugh when she laughs too loud
she just wants somebody to see
she's just a little girl

I love that song. I blame Jonna. Well, Bryan, he showed it to her, I heard it from her, and now its on myspace and everyone gets to listen to it. Woo. Its kinda my life though.

In other news, I think I just heard the shotgun again. Someone in our neighborhood shoots one every once in awhile... nobody knows who. Its weird. and freaky.

And I am way too busy for my own good. I just want a nap. And to go fly my kite. The Easter Bunny bought me one!!! Its fabulous- neon and wayy too bright. I plan on finding a nice field and being a little kid for a few hours. I feel it will be amazing. Feel free to come, it can be a kite party. Somewhere in the midst of Sigma Chi Derby Days and Fiota Cup flag football and TKE mud tug of war and working with the Girl Scouts and Bearathon this weekend. Mmm speaking of all things greek... my favorite week is coming... GREEK WEEK!!! yayyy!!! Too bad its not as cool as every other school. But I will take what I can get.

Homework time. Night kiddos. :)

GRAD SCHOOL SCHTUFF! :)

I know, it seems kinda early to be thinking about grad school (for those of you out of the loop- I plan on working a couple of years first!) But then today... I had this thought. I don't really plan on doing grad school in Texas. Which means I need residency. Which means I need to be looking at jobs in those states, preferably in the area of the school. SO! I started researching some schools and this is the list so far I have come up with (in no particular order!):

The University of Georgia at Athens  (Athens, GA)

The University of Nebraska at Lincoln (Lincoln, NE)

The University of Arizona (Tucson, AZ)

Soooo.... any opinions?  (*Note- there is a poll to the right, please vote!)

I know Carolyn and Stephen want me in Nebraska haha. And Lauren and her family want me in Arizona. I think all of the areas have a fairly good job market. Honestly the program I was most impressed with was UNL, but that is the only campus I have not seen. Which means a long weekend visit to Carolyn may be in order!

But seriously, I would appreciate any prayers, thoughts, ideas, anything! 

I am also working on internship stuff right now. Which means writing up a proposal, because the job I want does not currently exist. But I would love to make it exist! I would basically be working for this apartment complex chain, going around to different areas living on site and working on marketing and finding ways to more effectively reach their intended client base. Honestly, I think it would be the coolest job EVER! Who knows, maybe they will open up a new location somewhere I want to go to grad school!!! ;) haha. 

And in other news... I figured out I can change the date of posts, so I just imported some of my myspace and facebook blogs into one nifty place, with correct dates. Wooo! Its a good thing I remember some HTML, because that was a mess. And not all of them made it... oh well!

Painting my corner of the bigger picture...

slap, slap, slap, slap

My tennis shoes pound against the pavement as I jog down the path.

"There is no one like you. There has never ever been anyone like you.."

Crowder blares in my ears. To the point people scare me as they pass me because I didn't hear them coming, but I don't care. My senses are being overloaded by something I need more than air at this point... praises.

Now. I have been at Baylor for 3 years now. I know better than to run the Beartrail alone after dark. And yet, there was this pull. You see, for me, the Beartrail means quality catching up time. This has taken many shapes over the past few years: catching up with girlfriends, long heart to hearts when my heart was heavy, and time with Jesus. While I love my time with my girls, my time with Jesus on the Beartrail is always amazing. Or anytime I workout actually. Nobody interrupts, nobody gives me funny looks when it is clear my mind is a million miles away, and its just me and Jesus. Its beautiful, I recommend it.

So I get home, and almost by instinct I flip by Bible open to one of my favorite passages. John 9. Jesus is healing a man who was born blind, and people want to know if he is blind because he sinned, or because his parents sinned. But Jesus replies: "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

That hits me every time. In Dei Gloriam. For the glory of God. *Disclaimer- I speak English. I just know that phrase means that and I like it. Who knows how the original text phrased it!*  How many times do bad things come up, or we are faced with challenges, and we wonder what we are being punished for. And yet, maybe it is so God's power can be shown through us. That is a humbling thought to me... that God would want his perfect power displayed through my broken self.  Why would God want to use me?

This last weekend my little brother proposed to his girlfriend of two years. *Insert the aww and smiles* I got to be a part of the proposal, and help keep her occupied until he was ready.  When it was time (8:12 pm to be exact... he was very specific!) I got to bring his princess to him so that he could give her a night she would never forget. As I got back into the car after I handed her off, I cried. It was such an amazing feeling to know that my brother had wanted me to be a part of that special moment and help him in that way. And yet, that is only a tiny glimpse of what God wants to do with my life. He wants to take me and use me and bring about something beautiful and wonderful- and while, as not many people may hear about who dropped her off, many may not see firsthand what part I play in a bigger picture, but it is the bigger picture that matters.

So here I am God. I know there is a bigger picture, and you need me to paint a corner. Hand me a brush and point me in the right direction, I'm all yours.

Beautiful Encounters (myspace)

Last week I saw a couple that made me stop and think. I was sitting in a waiting room, waiting to have some blood taken, and I noticed a couple several seats over from me waiting. Neither could have been much older than me. I could tell they hadn't been married very long, their rings still had that bright, unscratched glint to them, and she played with hers as she sat with her eyes closed, resting. He had a backpack, and had her tote bag as well, full of things to make her comfortable. It was obvious she was going through chemo from the warm hat covering her bald head and the tiredness in her eyes. Yet, he was concerned about making her comfortable. About her needs. When her name was called, he fell asleep in the chair, a look of peace on his face. It was clear he hadn't been sleeping well. Yet he would not rest when she was by his side, he wanted to be awake, to make her smile.
As I sat there, I couldn't help but smile. It was clear life had dealt them a tough hand, but he had chosen to stay by her side no matter what the outcome would be. I couldn't help but wonder what that must be like, to love someone that completely that even if they only had a few months left, you would never leave their side. Never protect yourself from the pain and agony that might be waiting just around the corner, but instead, simply fall more and more in love with each passing moment.

Welcome Home [You] (myspace)

[When I left home to be who I am/some people said "no way"]

I'm from a small town. I never thought so before, but I kinda am. And my heritage is in small towns- my parents both came from much smaller towns. I am only in the second generation on either side of my family to go to college. I don't come from a long line of people with big fancy degrees. But I do come from a family who works hard and never lets anything hold them back. From a family that never let college stand in the way of amazing careers and being leaders in their communities. When I left home to come to Baylor... it was a big deal. It still is. I know how hard my entire family has worked to make this possible for me, and I am so very very greatful...

[but i laid it all down, gave everything/ in my head rang the words that my father said]

I have been running since I got here. Maybe I need a break. From day one, its been how do I get involved, meet friends, learn new things, teach others, give back to the community. But maybe I need a rest. I need to jump off the normal path and find a change. I need something fresh... I am missing out on so much by never slowing down. There are so many small things I want to do. I want to stretch myself, find my wings, find my hidden passions and soar off into the horizon.

[ you're never far/ i will be where you are/ and when you come to me/i will open my arms]

I miss nature. I miss fourwheelers on back roads. Fishing in my pond. Long runs on cold summer mornings in Philly. The blue, blue sky of Tucson. The hills and vast green-ness of Birmingham. The cold crisp snow of Denver. The simple things in life. You can't make those yourself- they are God's gift, yet we forget about them so much. And that is so sad... I mean, how can you not feel His presense when you look at the magnificance of His hands? Play in the rain. Run in the cold. Dance under the stars. Live every second of life, you never know when it will be your last...

[ welcome home, you/ i know you by name]

I've lost a few good friends. Its tough moving on without them. Kate, it was tough sitting next to your empty chair tonight and knowing that it will forever be empty. But I know you lived every second of life to the absolute fullest. I know you were passionate about everything in your life... and you fought the fight up until the last seconds before He called you home. I know that the moment you left this earth, Jesus welcomed you home with a big bear hug. I know this is the study abroad trip you never dreamed of... I can't imagine the art lessons you are getting up there hun. 

[ how do you do?.. i shine because of you today]

There are so many things I have gotten to do because people in my life took the time to genuinely care. Professors who have given me wonderful opportunities to learn and grow both inside and outside the classroom. Sorority sisters who have taken a chance with me and let me try new things and spread my wings. So many friends who have just BEEN there. Friends who haven't been afraid to tell me hard things that I didn't want to face, and didn't back down from the tears that followed. 

[ so come and sit down/ tell me how you are]

I have missed so dearly this semester sitting down with friends and having coffee and long walks around campus and silly slumber parties and late night giggling over old movies. It seems the older I get, the more fast paced life is. I miss my friends... I miss laughing and crying and praying with people that I know would and have done the same for me. Next semester, I am slowing down... I want the time to build back up some of those relationships. 

[ i know son, it's good just to see your face.]

Sometimes, a familiar smile is what your day needs. Being with my entire family was so good over Christmas. I miss my step grandmother terribly, she was a part of my life as far back as I can remember, and it still hurts going into her house and knowing she isn't there. But it was so good to be with people who felt the same way, and still be able to laugh and make her favorite recipes... I'm sorry I was so insistent with making the stuffing for Thanksgiving. That was her big thing, and I wanted so badly to try to make the recipe perfect so she would be proud of me. 

[ when i look at you holding my heart/i will give to you all that i have ]

For years, I have run from one of the things I have wanted more than anything. because I was scared to give up another piece of me and risk getting hurt. And now.. I am finally at the place where I want to trust you. I have no reason not to, some of the toughest things I have faced in college were with you by my side making me laugh and forcing me to believe in myself... and reminding me over and over God's promises and His love for us. I know I have told you how I feel, but one day you should ask me in person, because there is so much more there, and I think I would need to look into your eyes to have the courage to say how much these past few years have meant to me.

[ son i know there'll be times/ you will feel all alone/i will share with you the words my father said]

And thats what it comes down to. No matter how hard all of this has been, no matter how much I feel alone, I know that my Jesus is there holding me through all of this. I know He will never leave me on my own, and that when I ask He will help me through even the toughest of days. I know in my own strength I can do very little, but in His, I can do anything.



ps, if you have never heard the song that I have sporadically placed through this, listen to it... Welcome Home

RIP Kate (From FB)

This week I had a dear friend and sister die. It has left myself and the rest of my sisters in shock... struggling to find answers and find a new normal. We know Kate is in a better place, yet we still long to see her walk through the door again with her beautiful smile and sparkling personality. I cam across this poem today, and it just made me think of Kate... I know she would have wanted us to remember the good times as much as possible. 

You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
Or can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what she'd want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Sweetheart I will never forget your hugs... our million cute pictures... dancing in the fountain... all the silly texts...Pei Wei and driving around town... those boots... switching dates... Sisterhood lasts forever, and death can't end that. Until we meet again sister, you will always be in my heart. May angels lead you in...