Packing

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate packing of any kind... but that I hate unpacking even more. Unfortunately, I have a big move coming up, and so I have to start thinking about packing on a very large scale. It is a bittersweet thought- I'm excited to move to a new place, but I have come to love this apartment and I finally have everything where I want it... 15 months later.

As a part of this move I have had to get some moving quotes. I'm planning on actually moving myself (because I'm crazy, I just admitted I hate packing!), but this is a work move so I had to get a quote. It is the weirdest thing I have ever done. Or at least close. You invite someone into your home, and they walk around, opening all of your cabinets and inventorying your life. Some of them like to comment on everything you own, others are quiet and just make notes. They count your cups, your clothes, your picture frames, everything. And these people are good- one glance and they know if that stack of plates is for 8 or 12.

Every person has commented on my diplomas and made snide remarks about me having two. Seriously. Don't get me started on how much that annoys me. Really dude? I have 2 degrees. Get over it. Nobody asked you. They aren't hung in a particularly prominent place, they are pretty much on the wall I look at the least. But if I don't hang them up, I have to have a place to put them, and I don't really have any extra storage. Besides, those 2 pieces of paper represent a combined 5 years of blood, sweat and tears. And more money than I care to admit. Why do people feel the need to comment on them??

Moving is weird. And hard. Anyone want to come wrap dishes?

Believe

The best place to start is always the beginning... but I'm not sure where this story begins. So I'll start with the moment that I made this picture the background on my computer.

I was going through a stretch of time where I was having trouble trusting that there was a purpose for everything going on around me. I've been going through a work merger for about 8 months (my client's, not my company) and it had really begun to wear on me. This combined with the fact that my loving boyfriend had just moved back to MY home state without me was really starting to get me down. It felt like my dreams were floating further and further away by the day. And then one day, perhaps from desperation, I google image searched the word believe. I desperately needed a visual reminder to do what should come so naturally to me. And I found this picture. Now, it is not the most professional background I've ever seen on a work computer (although neither is a drooling baby, so I'm not exactly concerned about it). I've actually had a coworker mock it in a way, not knowing what it meant to me. But for me, this image has reminded me every day that there is something bigger out there. That these 8-10 (or 12 or 16) hours a day at work are not the most important thing. That when all I can feel around me is despair and fear, that I am safe in the belief that my God is bigger than all of this. That though I may (and will) face many earthly struggles, He is going to be right there with me. That this world is not what I am living for, but for a home I can't quite imagine.

All that believing has helped me lower my stress (somewhat). And now... some of those dreams I have believed in have started coming true. More on that later. But sometimes, all we need is that reminder to believe. To believe in our dreams, to believe in ourselves, but most importantly to believe in a God who loves us and is bigger than all the things we are facing.

It's been awhile...

It has been awhile since I've blogged on a regular basis (to the point that part of me doesn't even want to go back and read old posts because let's be honest, sometimes that is like picking up an old journal and it makes you cringe).

But life has thrown some new adventures my way, so I figured why not put it down on paper (so to speak). I can't promise it will be worth reading, but this is the kind of adventure you only get once in a lifetime, so I might as well attempt to document it.

I'm so spoiled...

I really am. I had this realization last night at dinner, when my wonderful boyfriend went to sit down (after getting up to get our food, realizing they screwed his up, bringing me mine, sitting down, and getting back up to check on his) just as I realized I was out of diet coke. I made a face, and he immediately hopped up to get me some. I offered, and he just smiled and said no, he would grab me some. I know that sounds like a really small thing. And maybe it is. But at the end of a long, frustrating afternoon of homework, it made me smile. And its a million more things like that, every single day. Calling me before Sunday School to make sure I woke up because we were up late the night before. Bringing me coffee. Bringing me chocolate when I am deep in hw and look frustrated. Trying to do everything to go home with me at Spring Break so I can be in Texas for a few days. Giving me the stool he is using for his feet so that I can put my laptop on it while I read a book. Getting up and finding me a blanket because he knows I am cold and don't want to get up to get one. Having gmail and facebook open on his computer when he knows I am coming over to use it for hw, because I can't do hw without distractions. Letting me cover every surface of his house in sticky notes I have doodled on. Thinking all the silly things I do are cute.

I really am more lucky than I can put into words. Not sure how the heck he was single when I met him, but VERY thankful that he was. And that hes mine. :)

Homesick...

This last semester is so frustrating. I feel like it is always somehow harder to go home in the spring (despite the lack of football games to take up my weekends), but especially this year. Top that off with the fact that I don't have a job yet, and the fact that I just bought a car... I'm a bit homesick. I wish so bad I had the money to fly home but I just don't. I desperately wish I could go home at Spring Break, but I have serious doubts that will happen. I know its part of growing up... but living out here will be so much easier when I have the money to travel back. Texas will always be home... part of my heart will always be there.

September can't get here soon enough... thats the next time I know I have a fair shot of being able to get back. Thats so overwhelming to even think about-- it seems like forever. :(

Where I want to be...

So its January... starting the last semester of my graduate career. And we all know what that means... job apps anyone??
Its a tough transition. I feel like I've barely been here long enough to even get used to the idea that I no longer live in Texas, and yet its already coming to an end.
I'm getting into the job search process more, and its a bit rough. I know where I want to be, and yet I don't know at all. I tend to wait until I know 110% what I want to do before I run after it... and right now I feel like I am running after things because I a) need a job, and b) want to be near my boyfriend. That really isn't a BAD thing... its just difficult for me, because I have to apply and interview before my mind is made up about where I want to work or which jobs look like an exact match for me.

In all of this... I know God has a plan. Everytime I worry about May and the changes it will bring, I remind myself that He has brought me to this place in my life for a REASON. There is something amazing ahead... I'm just waiting to see what that is. <3

Its that time of year...

... where I choose to procrastinate on studying by reflecting on the previous semester. ;)

I'm sitting on my living room floor with the patio door partially open listening to the rain fall on the AC units outside (which almost sounds like a tin roof)... and of course, I have NO motivation to study. I take that back- I do have motivation. Apparently just not enough.

I am not excited about this job hunt that is coming up. I'm EXCITED about a job. I'm EXCITED about moving. Just not excited about finding a job that I can believe in and competing against people who are well... a tad less than honest. The job search thus far has only reminded me how BLESSED I am to have done my undergrad in a place that not only TAUGHT ethics, but really believed in being ethical in business practices. And this whole process is further complicated by the fact that in my heart, I know where I want to be. I just have to trust that God will either change my desires, or He will have a plan to get me to that place.

Looking back on this semester, its also kind of ironic where I am friend-wise. Not where I thought I would be. Not where I thought I wanted to be. But blessed beyond my wildest imagination. And yes, that includes my amazing boyfriend... ;)

This finals season finds me calming down a tad. Learning what REALLY matters at the end of the day. Remembering not only where I came from, but where it is I am going. Remembering that sometimes those leaps of faith are crazy and wild and scary, but that if you are leaping by FAITH, then you are leaping into the arms of a God who is going to catch you.

And now friends... its off to study. But I leave you with this song that I have been playing over and over and over this week...

Captivate Us

Since everyone is getting into Christmas...

Do you ever want to tell a story, but know you could never do it justice?

I have one of those stories on the tip on my tongue, but I know whatever I try to say, it could never do this story the justice it deserves. And yet, it reminds me so much of what Christmas really means, I have to try.

I have a dear friend from college who comes from an absolutely precious family. I have only met her family in passing, but I feel like I know them all personally after all the prayer requests and stories this friend has shared over the years.

Awhile back, the family began praying about adopting two precious children, Molly and Mason. Its been a very long process, and these are some of the most prayed over children in the existence of the world.

Just days before the parents were to fly to China to pick up the two newest members of the family, the father was in a car accident and went home to be with Jesus. He was not only a loving husband, father, father in law, son, brother and friend, he was a deeply respected pastor who touched lives across the globe. It was truly a loss felt by many.

Now, just weeks later, the family is getting ready for a very special Christmas. On Christmas, my dear friend's mother and little brother will be flying to China to pick up Molly and Mason. This family, who has been through so much, is going to open up their home and their hearts to these two precious children and give them a life that they could have never dreamed of. I doubt anyone would have said anything negative had the family decided this was not the time to go through with the adoption. But they knew God had opened the doors with a reason, and they are going forth with the belief that God will give them the strength and resources to do what He has led them to do.

To me, that is the most beautiful example of what Christmas is all about. To smile through the tears and the pain, and reach out to show the love of Christ to these children for the rest of their lives.

I pray that this Christmas season, as you sit down to celebrate with your friends and family, and you reach for the gifts under the tree, that you remember this dear family. Remember Molly and Mason. And remember that the greatest gift we can give each other is to show each other the love of Christ.

Miss you Kate...

"There You'll Be"

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

[Repeat chorus]

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be

I miss you Kate. Not a day goes by I don't still think about you...

its been a long week.

"May the best you've ever seen be the worst you'll ever see.
May the mouse never leave your girnal with a tear drop in its eye.
May you always stay whole and hearty until you are old enough to die.
May you always be as happy as I wish you all to be."

As I watch the story unfold from the shooting at Ft. Hood this week, my heart is incredibly heavy. When casualties come back from a war, its much easier to handle than to know those very soldier were not safe on our turf. And yet... maybe, just maybe... maybe this war will become more real to people. Its not just a war fought on soil far away. It is a war that is being fought at home as well. By the families left behind with every deployment... by the soldiers who come home changed. By people who are torn between defending their country and going off to war. I am in no way defending the shooter- he deserves to sit in a damp, dark cell and think about that day for the rest of his life.

Waking Up

Do you ever have one of those moments where all of the sudden you wake up and realize something that has probably been staring you in the face for a very long time? I had one of those moments last night. It was kinda a huge reality check that I am sitting here doing everything I have ever wanted to do and just letting it pass me by without totally loving every second of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am pretty sure there is no way I could enjoy every second of learning statistics all day every day, but... I could be enjoying it a lot more. There is a lot that I have been holding on to that is not the best thing for me-- why is it that when we have something thats FABULOUS for us its hard to hang on, but when something is totally unhealthy and hurting us, its near impossible to let go??

A Good Kind of Reckless- by Tracie Miles

"'Come,' he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!'" Matthew 14:29-30 (NIV)

Devotion:
A while back, I opened my daily devotion and the theme verse was the passage above. When I first began reading I thought, "Oh, I know this passage backwards and forwards: Peter stepping out onto the stormy waves. A great story of faith and keeping focused on Christ." But in this particular devotion, there was a different focus. The key word used was "reckless." It explained we are to be reckless in our faith - not habitual, not routine, not guarded. Reckless.

Out of curiosity, I looked up the definition of reckless: Utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution. If you ask me, reckless doesn't sound like a good thing! When it comes to acting without caution, usually the consequences are negative, resulting in pain and problems that could have been avoided had common sense been used.

But when it comes to our faith, acting without caution is an awesome quality. Reckless faith is...

Living out loud for God, regardless of the consequences.

Opening ourselves up to be Christ's hands and feet in situations where most people close themselves off.

Reaching people others have deemed unreachable.

Loving those who are not very lovable and do not return our love.

Forgiving when forgiveness is not justifiable by the world's standards and making others wonder if we have our head on straight.

Changing direction in life because God called us to even if it doesn't make sense.

Reckless faith is being abandoned for Christ, completely surrendered to Him without restraint, and at peace with the consequences of what might happen.

Peter was reckless in earthly terms. He jumped onto the sea during a raging storm without a flotation device, into waves big enough to capsize his boat. However, if you think about it, it really wasn't Peter's earthly actions that were reckless; it was Peter's spiritual faith.

He had reckless faith: Without thinking, without distress over consequences, without anxiety over what might happen, and without concern for what his friends might think, Peter had faith.

Peter had reckless faith. And we can too! Reckless faith means doing what God has called us to do, commanded us to do, and prompted us to do - because it brings Him glory. Those who witnessed Peter's reckless faith didn't ooh and aah over Peter. Instead, like Peter, they fixed their eyes on Jesus. "Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God'" (Matthew 14:33, NIV).

There are a few times in my life when I've exhibited reckless faith, and found God blessed me immensely as a result. Unfortunately, there are many more times I've chosen to remain safely in my boat. It is so much easier to stay afloat in the safety of our comfort zone than to step out into stormy waters, putting all of our trust in Christ.

Reckless faith requires a vibrant and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. When we climb from the safety boat and exhibit that, we spur those still in their boats to fix their own eyes on Him, and worship the Son of God.

How is God calling you to be reckless for Him today?

<3 <3 <3

I want ridiculously inconvenient love. The kind that happens at the worst possible time and yet is the most perfect thing you never knew you needed. I want a guy who will chase me and fight when I try and push him away because I'm scared. Someone who knows that I will probably freak out over something stupid and laugh at me and remind me I'm nuts to be upset. I want a guy who will buy me a tinsel tree and a real tree- not because I need either, but because I've never had either and want to so bad. Who will realize that dancing in the rain to a country song will always be the perfect end to a date, and that I could care less if my hair gets messed up from it. That knows that deep down I would rather snuggle on the couch with an old movie than go downtown on a Friday night. Who will not question my sanity when I want to spend 10 hours in the car in one day just to see a football game. Someone who knows that love is a fight some days, but thinks its still worth it. Who sees my mistakes and loves me despite them. Who knows what I can become and encourages me and pushes me. Who knows I live life big and that means insane ideas at times.

I want it all.

Its been awhile...

And maybe thats because I have not known what to say. I got moved in, unpacked (mostly) and I am pretty settled into my life here. Is it home yet? I'm not sure...

I like class. a lot. I'm a nerd, no denying that. I LOVE my church... that for sure feels like home to me. I feel very welcome there and I get really excited when Sunday FINALLY rolls around and I get to go back (yes, I really do have THAT FEW friends in this state).

As far as Athens in general... I don't think I am content at all. This has a lot to do with the lack of friends. Yes, I have the people in my class, and yes I would consider several of them to be good friends already. But I see them all day for 4 days out of the week... it would be nice to have some other options for people to do things with the rest of the time, mix it up a little. Athens is also SOOO incredibly different than Waco, despite the extremely similar demographics. The psycographic (or is it sociographic??) makeup is totally different. I am still getting used to not planning school meetings around church haha... call me the naive small town kid, I miss having a school where nobody would be upset if you said that time was bad for meeting because it was when you were going to church. I also miss having a JOB!!! Never thought I would say THAT! But it really is weird having no income and knowing all of your bills and everything have to come out of loans...

I know there is a lesson in all of this... or 10. I'm sure one would be "being content with your circumstances" and another would be TRUST. We shall see how this summer continues to unfold...

PET PEEVES

I for sure have a few. But here are some note-able ones... and yes, this is a well deserved rant.

1. Being ignored. If I ask a question, I probably want an answer.

2. People not living for TODAY. No matter how many plan you make, you never know if you HAVE tomorrow. Yes, it is good to plan ahead and take steps to have a good future and get where you want to be. But you should NOT be so obsessed with something that is going to happen down the road that you let it stop you from enjoying the opportunities you have today.

3. Websites being down. I want to pay my credit card, please just not be down for maintenance. 4am is a better time to be down than midnight, duh.

4. People who don't do what they say they are going to do. If I count on someone, I want them to follow through, not leave me hanging.

5. Bedtimes/alarm clocks. I hate having to go to sleep... but I might hate waking up even worse. 

Life ain't always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride

For those of you unfamiliar with the lyrics to this song, you should totally google it. It feels so perfect right now. Kate, Ashley, and Alicia, I miss your smiles. I miss your beautiful laughter and the way you glowed with joy every day, no matter what.

Life isn't always beautiful. Right now, its downright messy. I spent the day with Kate's parents yesterday... and while it was a beautiful celebration of her life, it was so hard to sit there and watch her parents and family and friends struggle to understand while she only got 19 beautiful years to live. Its not fair.

Its not fair that 3 years ago today, the lives of so many changed in an instant. It was a freak accident, but it cost 2 beautiful, smiling girls their lives. And it drastically changed the lives of the others on that bus. No, they have not recovered fully... can you ever? I can still close my eyes and go back to every awful detail of that day.... and I wasn't even there.

I woke up this morning sad, sad because I miss these friends, and sad because I feel like I screwed up. Sometimes I just GO for things. And once I decide my oh-so-brilliant plans will work, there is not much convincing me otherwise. I think I forget that when my plans include other people, they have to be up for going on a crazy adventure too... I just like to live life big. I mean, if you can dream it, why not do it? Life is too short to have regrets or sit around waiting to see how things will work out...

And then even as I write this, I have had 2 people ask me to pray for situations that just break my heart... one is facing major life altering situations with a career, and another just found out a close friend is in ICU. WHY IS LIFE THIS HARD SOMETIMES? Its all not fair. And as I say that, I know God has a plan... but I also know that by admitting its not fair, I am not shocking God... he knows my heart. And life isn't fair. He never said it would be. He only said he would be there. The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. And that really is beautiful. 

So right now... all I can do is sit still, and remember that without the pain and the clouds, its impossible to appreciate the beauty of life. 

And if I seem distant and aloof... I swear I'm not being a jerk. Its been a tough semester, and as much as I am excited about Georgia, there are some things its going to be hard to leave behind.  No matter how hard I try, there is simply not enough time to do everything I want and see everyone who has meant so much to me in the last 4 years here. I am trying to just get to a place where I can walk away with a smile and no regrets. And that has suddenly become incredibly difficult.... 

LAMENTATIONS 3:22-26

Because of the Lord's GREAT love 

we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

GREAT is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will WAIT for him."

The Lord is GOOD to those whose hope in in him,

to the one who seeks him;

it is GOOD to WAIT quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

Walk by faith...

"Faith isn't believing without proof-

it's trusting without reservation."

-- George MacDonald

"What lies behind us and what lies

before us are small matters compared

to what lies within us."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

This week at church we were talking about faith. And what it takes to have "great faith".  And I realized... maybe that has been the greatest lesson I have learned in college. Looking back, there are so many plans I had that managed to crash and burn... and for the most part, its a very good thing they did. Don't get me wrong- I have few regrets. I look back on my friendships, relationships, crazy ideas and random adventures and I know that there are memories that will last a lifetime. Nights on the suspension bridge, Dairy Queen sundays and cheap movies, grocery store trips, silly cartoons, our "usual" table, and sneaking Jamba Juic into the movies... I know those will always be the nights I look back on. But at the same time, I know there were other nights I will never forget. The nights I cried, or sat in silence, simply because I had no idea where my life was headed, and could not imagine how everything was going to come together.

Now, as I wrap up my last few weeks of college... I still do not know what the future holds. But I have seen where having faith that my God will work things out has brought me to a more beautiful place than I ever could have imagined myself.  And that gives me the hope to continue trusting... to continue to have faith that in the end, everything is going to be ok.

...Well I will walk by faith

even when I cannot see

Because this broken road

prepares Your will for me...

Feels like home to me...

This song is totally stuck in my head... 

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how long I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

I was sitting in the Baylor science building today... and it struck me that I was sitting in the largest academic building in North America. That is just really, really cool. So I was sitting there, working on finance, on a Saturday night, and I realized how content I was. I WANTED to be learning, I wanted to be working hard to be able to go to Georgia next year. And maybe that is why I am where I am in life. Maybe that is weird, maybe people don't like that. I don't care. I'm doing what I love... and I would rather be there than anywhere else. 

Can't I just be me?

Where has this semester gone?!?

Its hard to believe my senior year is nearly 1/4 done already... wasn't it just last week that I was going back to class? And wasn't it just a few months ago that I was moving into a dorm room and figuring out how to survive on my own?

Ironically, my senior year has so many similarities to my freshman year... my roomie and I laugh about it actually. But despite the similarity of events, I see such a difference in how they affect me.

This semester has already brought a lot of changes, and I wonder on a regular basis how it is that I have changed this much since last year. I have so many big choices ahead of me, and so many plans for the future. I know so many of the decisions I have made in the last few months confuse my friends, but I know in my heart that I am at peace with each and every one of them right now. I am so happy... and that happiness isn't based on some other person or on anything superficial, but its simply because I am living the life I want. I am pushing myself and working hard and getting to where it is that I have always wanted to be. And I have some amazing people in my life who are cheering me on every step of the way. I would not trade that for the world...

Getting too comfortable...

Please tell me where in the Bible it says that God calls Christians to find their comfort zone and stay there. No really, I'll wait.

You didn't find it did you? That is because it does not say that!!! Look at Moses- he didn't want to speak, but God told him to do it anyway- He told Moses that He was going to use him despite his weaknesses. Peter didn't want to get out of the boat, but God told him to walk and he did. And there is this chick named Mary and her man Joseph (thanks Jenny!).... I seriously doubt getting married when she was expecting a kid that wasn't his was in their comfort zone. Especially when a guy saying he is an angel shows up and says that this baby is going to be the Messiah!

So why do we look for our comfort zones? Why do we hide, when we know we will be found? (Think Jonah here- getting eaten by a whale is a big wake up call that maybe listening and taking that step out of your comfort zone was a good idea after all!) 

Thats my challenge. To me, to you, to my church right now: hop out of that comfort zone, and find out what amazing things God has in store for you!!